Lone wolf! A Cry in the Night!

Here I sit in front of my computer screen, wondering has the rantings of a yapping Canadian Mutt Mother made a difference to you?

Lately, I don’t know what to write about. I just know raising a mentally ill daughter who dishes out more abuse then an abusive husband, has finally robbed my energy to fight. The last 5 years of unstable treatment plan, have finally robbed my hope.

I find it crazy that, I 'm living an abusive life, when I swore as a child, I would never live that way again. I choose my husband because I knew he would cherish me, and never raise a violent hand against me or our children. I wasn’t wrong–I have the most supportive, calm, rock solid, loving husband in the world, who is my best friend.

The one that is abusive is the our daughter, who is mentally ill. But these last two months, have shown me, we can no longer support our mentally ill daughter, nor allow her to live with us any longer.

I want all you parents out there to think about this. You have a sick daughter of 20.

Do you turn them away?

Do you live in an abusive situation, because you don’t want your sick child on the street?

Can you turn your back on this sick child?

Well, I have to do just that. I have asked for help from every bureau out there and every service provider. I have asked for legal advice. All systems have failed us. No one hears the cries of a Lone wolf!

So the images that have hunted my nights are the ones we don’t want to read about in the news. The crimes that are senseless with usually 100% PREVENTABLE, if laws, and medical treatment for mentally ill was Pro-Active.

100% Preventable if someone would listen. So my question is has this blog made a difference?

Where Does This Mutt Go?

Well everyone it has been awhile since I last wrote a blog. Part of the reason is this Mutt is getting very bitter and resentful. Two qualities I have a hard time accepting within myself. Negative qualities that have no use but to tear a person down, but yet I am faced with seeing this qualities staring back at me, in my mirror image.

I have to wonder how long, have I been so neglectful of my own self. I'm, NOT the first Mothering Mutt that will deny my own care when it comes to the family unit, but when did I become so unaware of myself. When did I careless toss away the knowledge of wisdom? When did I stop hearing my own internal warning signs?

I heard all those Pack Mothers say," You need to look after yourself! You need to rest! You need to step back." This Mutt totally passed all of it off, by rationalizing to myself- I know me- I have my own warning system. I personally know when enough is enough.

But as I look into the mirror today I realized,-I didn't hear the warning bells! Even worse, I didn't see myself slipping into that muddy, cloudy water, that can quickly consume you. Leaving you to tired to fight for even your own breath. While your pups lay helpless, awaiting their champion to return. I remember growling and wanting to snap on everyone that told me," STOP! Care for yourself! "

My mind growled, "How can you ask me this when my daughter is sick, walking a dangerous line, and no one but me will step in to save her." This the point where your life comes crashing down. When you realize you are powerless to stop tragic events from happening. The point when every door you knocked at was slammed in your face.

I've been that Mutt, to mutter to a friend," You did the best you could. It wasn't your fault. You have to let your children experience life and make choices. We can't control events that are out of our hands." ---- What a load of smelly pooh. I feel so ashamed that this Mutt, believed those words could comfort and appease the heart of a grieving parent.

This Canadian Mutt, now understand what it feels like to be asked to accept failure: Failure of laws, systems,

and dis-function of society. I've arrived at the fork in the road. I tired all the roads, now where do I go?

Fork #1 I can no longer fight this battle without, serious mental and health fail out for myself

#2 I have to accept the changes (laws and polices) I desperately need and want for my daughter, won't happen to save her.

# 3 This is the hardest for me to accept. That people with the mental health profession will not stand up and support you-- even if they agree with you. Why? Because people are fearful of losing their job, or they are fearful to take a stand that others feel is the wrong stand.

I ask all you Canadians. Could you could stand at this fork? Knowing that all roads have met you in failure. Could you accept you are powerless to help a suffering sick child?