Where Does This Mutt Go?

Well everyone it has been awhile since I last wrote a blog. Part of the reason is this Mutt is getting very bitter and resentful. Two qualities I have a hard time accepting within myself. Negative qualities that have no use but to tear a person down, but yet I am faced with seeing this qualities staring back at me, in my mirror image.

I have to wonder how long, have I been so neglectful of my own self. I'm, NOT the first Mothering Mutt that will deny my own care when it comes to the family unit, but when did I become so unaware of myself. When did I careless toss away the knowledge of wisdom? When did I stop hearing my own internal warning signs?

I heard all those Pack Mothers say," You need to look after yourself! You need to rest! You need to step back." This Mutt totally passed all of it off, by rationalizing to myself- I know me- I have my own warning system. I personally know when enough is enough.

But as I look into the mirror today I realized,-I didn't hear the warning bells! Even worse, I didn't see myself slipping into that muddy, cloudy water, that can quickly consume you. Leaving you to tired to fight for even your own breath. While your pups lay helpless, awaiting their champion to return. I remember growling and wanting to snap on everyone that told me," STOP! Care for yourself! "

My mind growled, "How can you ask me this when my daughter is sick, walking a dangerous line, and no one but me will step in to save her." This the point where your life comes crashing down. When you realize you are powerless to stop tragic events from happening. The point when every door you knocked at was slammed in your face.

I've been that Mutt, to mutter to a friend," You did the best you could. It wasn't your fault. You have to let your children experience life and make choices. We can't control events that are out of our hands." ---- What a load of smelly pooh. I feel so ashamed that this Mutt, believed those words could comfort and appease the heart of a grieving parent.

This Canadian Mutt, now understand what it feels like to be asked to accept failure: Failure of laws, systems,

and dis-function of society. I've arrived at the fork in the road. I tired all the roads, now where do I go?

Fork #1 I can no longer fight this battle without, serious mental and health fail out for myself

#2 I have to accept the changes (laws and polices) I desperately need and want for my daughter, won't happen to save her.

# 3 This is the hardest for me to accept. That people with the mental health profession will not stand up and support you-- even if they agree with you. Why? Because people are fearful of losing their job, or they are fearful to take a stand that others feel is the wrong stand.

I ask all you Canadians. Could you could stand at this fork? Knowing that all roads have met you in failure. Could you accept you are powerless to help a suffering sick child?

This Canadian Mutt Growls It is Time to Change

As Canadian we are very polite, passive nation, a nation that believes in live and let live. Canadian's we enjoy our health care, we enjoy the rights and freedoms we have. We enjoy a very peaceful life in our wonderful Country. Canada with wide open spaces, small town communities, where you know your neighbour, where people smile as they greet you good morning on the streets. Yes I'm a proud Canadian mutt, a mix of every nationality across the world, but pure blood to none.

Recently I have begun to ponder this great Nation and the times we live in, and I question the role as a passive person. As a Canadian--- I'm proud of who we are today? No! I am not. I find we are a fragmented melting pot with no unity, no nationality, no identity and no purpose because we can't proper identify with who we are and what we want as a country.

Yes to be Canadian is to be mixed blood of many cultures, religions,and traditions. I believe that everyone has a right to enjoy their individualism,-- But are you Canadian or NOT? That is my question! If you say your a Canadian, then who are we?

Well, I believe that to be Canadian is to know your neighbour, to lead a helping hand if needed, and to be active in your community. Canada is the best place to live in the world, because we are peaceful, and caring Nation.

What happened to us? Since the 80's I noticed a dramatic change in our communities, in our youth, in our crime, and in the general way the world sees Canada as a nation. I for one don't like this one bit. The major causes of these changes, self greed, self rights, and place self value higher then the masses. Look at these common statements we hear everyday.

"It is your right"

"You want it just go out and take it"

"You earned it, demand it"

When I see people suing over hot coffee I want to scream. Coffee is HOT, always has been, and if it wasn't hot, we would demand a new cup. So because you didn't take the proper safety measure to insure this hot drink didn't burn you,' You have the right to sue!!!'

Now look at this people, ones own stupidity is a case to sue. SO because your too dumb to know hot coffee burns you can sue. Sad, so sad. Now before you jump to this persons defense, there is another important fact to remember, who will be paying extra for our next cup of coffee, who will be paying for the 2 employees that where laid off, or worse who will employ the 30 people that lost job when the business closed shop in your town??? Can we as a nation afford to be this selfish, it is my right- you done me wrong and will pay!!! Now what message is that giving our children!

Now politicians, and school teachers, unions and taxpayer's money. I love teachers and value their service to my children and society, but lets face facts it is a great job, with summers and weekends off, what job gives people this luxury,-Not many. To be fair, teachers do a job that is very stressful, and government cut backs make even more difficult, but you work only 7months of year, with weekends off,winter break and spring break, sick days and you earn 45,000- 60,000 a year.

My daughter's clinician( social worker/mental illness), who has masters also, her job is equally stressed by clients, and government cut backs, she doesn't only work 7 months of year, and she doesn't strike for more pay.

People just because unions allow us to get more money every year in negotiations is it proper? "Your Right you Earned it." And is it helping the overall picture? No it is feeding the overall downward circle of greed, the need to feed the greed, which is hungry even more.

Now politicians, here is where I am going to be very clear. I don't want to be politician and someone has to do this very public job. Your are rewarded very handsomely as in pay, and pension plan, then the many perks. All this should be enough!"'You want it just take it" You don't need to be greedy and make shadey deals, you don't need to be milking money from funds to pay your personal bills, and you don't need money money. If you are in politics do it for the love of the country, that has so richly provided for you. How can you be a creditable person who says they care about Canada's health care or mental health care? When you rob from Canada taxpayers to line your own pockets, Greed when will it ever end? Your robbing from your elderly aunt, your robbing from impoverish children, and your robbing from health care system that might cause a death.

How can we as proud Canadians allow this type of selfish greed, bankrupt our nation? Please write your comments.

This Mutt's Is Suffering But Who Cares?

When a child has early psychosis, they are at age 12-15. The estimated healing time for a server psychosis is 5-9 years. Who is looking after this child? What is the home-life like? Who helps? If the public truly knew what home life is like to care for and live with a mental ill child,they would out cry for support.

First of all I am not a trained psychiatric nurse, I am not a trained social worker, I am not a trained drug or addiction councilor –but I care for her in all these 24/7 —I’m a regular MOM. Educated yes, smart, happy-go-lucky, positive and full of energy mom, but just a mom. At 41 years old I was hoping to start getting my degree in the mental illness field. I can focus on me as my children age 21 and 20 are independent, but life never turns out how you planned, -and that is ok.

When our princess was born, she was so tiny but a very powerful baby. Just one smile or show of brown eyes could send daddy to his knees. Yes this was a princess in total command. As parents we had hopes and dreams for our daughter.

Our Princess was model child, quiet, shy, willing to sit quietly, never fought any authority,and never loud or vociferous. Sounds like dream child and she was, then she hit pre-teens at about 12 and major things started happening. Yelling non stop, she never say anything that wasn’t full of frustration, anger and resentment as parent we were so out of our element.

It was like her whole being changed, her friends change from strong family ( good kids), to the trouble kids. For a child that followed all the rules now hated all rules. She was breaking school rules and not caring, then she started breaking laws without a care. She was a settled content child now nothing was good enough, she hated her family and life. All my friends, teachers even doctor all passed it off has hormonal change and rebellious pre-teen, but in my heart I couldn’t accept this. The change was too dramatic, one extreme to the other.

This is a problem for us even today, who is our princess, is she really that childhood person, or is she really this person full of frustration. Will she ever settle this frustration and anger in her life? And How can she possible work this through with all the other things, such has healing a broken mind? Yes it seems like the impossible but they say it can be done.

When I think of all the things our princess will have to overcome just to be a resemblance of our child that once WAS.–I’m totally overwhelmed. I do have hope, but the hope is so often robbed by the everyday events, the minor set backs, then years of process steal your hope away too. We have been in this process for 5 years, and it has never been a stable 5 years. Then I think about the repairing of relationship she will have to do, just between her brother, father and I.

There is no medications that deal with what professionals call negative symptom. How I remember the names and labels, negative symptom have a negative effect on the people around you; aggression, anger, frustration,weird body movements, violent mood swings, odd facial expressions, abnormal dress and hygiene appearance, and odd emotional reactions to everyday events or topics.

Even if you are a saint, even if you remind yourself day after day, it isn’t her fault it is the illness, you still let resentment slip in. You still react badly to situations that will cause relationship break downs. In the course of 5-9 years- How many hurtful things will be said? How many bad reaction will occur? If our family didn’t make the sacrifice to support and care for our princess, where would she be? On the streets as societies problem! Or worse dead!

So yes we all live in a situation were there is daily abuse, but done by a person that has no clue they are abusing us. And done by a family who is doing their best to cope in very taxing and stressful situations.

So lets just take one day into consideration, we have to run to the doctors today. Last week we had to reschedule because it just was a losing battle for me to get her willingly to doctor- only option was to call police to psychically take her.

To start the day off, she is nervous about appointment, which caused her to have hard time sleeping. She’ll have to get up tired and that will set day off on wrong foot. Then she sleeps in clothes,(something we can’t change)so will ask her to change into cleans clothes,brush hair, brush teeth, and for motivation a bribe of Timmy’s coffee if she hurries.

We are now 20 mins late. I’m never late, this morning process usually takes 1 1/2 hrs to get through, but I left us 2 1/2 hrs today.

I wasted time waking her up the genital way, because today will be ugly enough without setting the entire day in that mood. So I made the normal 4 trips to wake a teenager,which I get the normal response,” I’m awake stop bugging me.” I estimated 1 hr to wake her up gently, process is now 2 hours. Now I only have half hour to make it out the door to make doctors appointment on time.

She comes up stairs from changing, with the same jeans she been wearing for three days. I will choose this as my battle today. So I ask our princess to change her jeans and to find jeans that aren’t hanging,below her panties, and fall off her butt when bends over. She yells with extra colour too, ” My jeans don’t fit,because she lost over 12lbs. “Result from living with abusive boyfriend. Finally after she yells, slams, and tosses things about for next 20 mins, she comes upstairs with different jeans that fit nicely. We have 15 mins left. I ask her one more time to brush hair and teeth, she decides to have a smoke instead. It will be an hour drive to doctors, and I won’t let her smoke in truck, so this will be second fight. So hair is messy and teeth less than clean, but we have to accept somethings, and not push to have a stressful day become a break down day. Note– My break down not our princess!!! I notice she is walking funny so ask,” Is there is something wrong with shoe?” Her very colourful reply,” The dog **** slept on my ***Foot, now I can’t **** walk, and your **** making me go to *** doctor.” So I drop the entire issue, the dogs sleep in my room, so wonder why she isn’t walking right.

So Princess has been home since end of April so solid month, and we are working on stabilizing her, but it now is month and half and still no where close to being stable. I am tired, of walking on egg shells, of the days emotions from frustrated to totally pissed off being a never-ending Jo-Jo,and sick of more negative days than positive. There is nothing that can change this,but being on the proper dosage of medicines will help.Which at this rate, it will be Sept-Oct.

My honest opinion, this is the third time we have done this as a family, and not sure we can do it again, without the stress breaking something. The straw that breaks the camels back. Sad my family and I are this desperate, this close to empire collapse, and just needing support.

Where is support? There is none but friends and family allowing me to chew ear off.

It is now 10:30 am. So you just shared my 4 hour morning with our Princess.

Bark at me all you want! My denial won't change!

In Mental health, there is a great division in the area of denial and non compliance. Family and caregivers want earlier intervention, and the mental health professions want compliance.

I have often suggested that my daughters denial was part of her illness, that she is unable to see her illness as anything but normal to her. Many people just laughed at me, leaving me to believe they didn’t agree. There is documented proof this condition does exist and Dr Xavier’s studies concur.

A Doctor Xavier Amador, psychologist did studies to determine why patients had denial. He also did studies into an effective method of treating the issue of denial and non-compliance, which he encompassed into 4 books.

Although largely used to describe unawareness of impairment after brain injury or stroke, the term ‘anosognosia’ is occasionally used to describe the lack of insight shown by some people who suffer from psychosis, and who therefore do not have the insight to recognize that they suffer from a mental illness. There is also evidence that schizophrenic anosognosia may be the result of frontal lobe damage.^[7]

Given this definition of ‘ Anosognosia ‘ How can we legislation the need to be complaint for voluntary treatment?

This voluntary component excludes a large percentage of the serious mental ill patients from receiving programing or medical attention before self endangerment may occur. Is it justifiable to exclude a percentage of mental ill, because of a medical condition, we don’t accept nor understand?