Open Guilt Wound of Motherhood

Now on the the motherhood guilt that has caused open sores that I am still applying cream to. The medical profession place little importance to the under lying guilt that is implied during fact finding history. Most mothers know that they’re not being directly name as a cause, but I will tell ya it sure does smart! Then in most illness everyone is always trying to define that moment, trigger, that started this giant sickness ball the roll. As parents and mothers we want to find that weak link and fix it.

The sad true fact is most illness can’t be defined as one moment, one trigger, there usually is a number of factors. Thus the reason for the extensive pre-history in mental illness cases. Now I will go through some of these questions with you.

1. Any birth and pregnancy trauma? As a mother I don’t know how you Can Not , feel this guilt bomb at our feet. I struggled with if I didn’t have children too close,would that have made a differences. I could have held off on the early delivery, maybe I should have taken the pills that made me feel awful, so I could control the premature labour. Rested more. Did you stuff from any kind of depression and anxiety during or after pregnancy? Anyway you look at it birth and pregnancy is all MOMs and mom’s alone.
2. Any family history of mental illness and learning difficulties? Yes not only I am to blame but now both sides of the family are too. Oh why didn’t we think of Uncle Joe Bob’s crazy days, when deciding to have kids.
3. Any head injuries? Oh my there was the time she was skiing and I didn’t take her to hospital because I thought she was ok. Maybe I shouldn’t have been worried about saving health care dollars and worrying most about my child-what an awful mom.
4. Any sudden change in behaviour, mood, trouble at school, trouble with law? Yes, yes,yes,yes,geesh why didn’t I see this as a mom. I mean I only have two kids. Everyone passed it off as hormonal, bad groups of friends, or a phase she’ll go out of. Why didn’t I listen to my gut, it was screaming at me this isn’t right, get it fixed now. If I had gone to see doctor could they have found the problem. I know the school wasn’t going well maybe I could have changed approaches.
5. Any pot and alcohol abuse? Here is the deepest cut. All my friends and myself did pot and we did have break downs. How do you keep that stuff away from kids, I remember when I was 12, we all stole our parents booze or pooled money together to buy booze. If we wanted it we could get it? The doctor replied, my kids don’t do it, get them involved with sports. OH MY GUILT, open wound bleeding all over the floor.

Now that is only the really first stages of the guilt you encounter when your child has mental illness. Soon after you will accept that many of these event you couldn’t control, but then as you watch your child before, who is the same child, but lost in an illness. Lost is that little girls who laughed, who played dresses up, who charmed the crowds, now she hides in the house, doesn’t register any emotion, and is afraid to be in public. Guilt it eats at you. I have to be able to fix this. If I try real hard she will get better.

Oh there is no harder working mother than one working towards making their child better. I lived breathed and existed souly to get my daughter healthier, to promote mental health, and preached to other parents so they knew the risk of teenage mental health.

As the years and months go by another GUILT MONSTER appears, this one by the hypocrites of government and the well meaning support of members around you and family, who are struggling to understand.

Where Does This Mutt Go?

Well everyone it has been awhile since I last wrote a blog. Part of the reason is this Mutt is getting very bitter and resentful. Two qualities I have a hard time accepting within myself. Negative qualities that have no use but to tear a person down, but yet I am faced with seeing this qualities staring back at me, in my mirror image.

I have to wonder how long, have I been so neglectful of my own self. I'm, NOT the first Mothering Mutt that will deny my own care when it comes to the family unit, but when did I become so unaware of myself. When did I careless toss away the knowledge of wisdom? When did I stop hearing my own internal warning signs?

I heard all those Pack Mothers say," You need to look after yourself! You need to rest! You need to step back." This Mutt totally passed all of it off, by rationalizing to myself- I know me- I have my own warning system. I personally know when enough is enough.

But as I look into the mirror today I realized,-I didn't hear the warning bells! Even worse, I didn't see myself slipping into that muddy, cloudy water, that can quickly consume you. Leaving you to tired to fight for even your own breath. While your pups lay helpless, awaiting their champion to return. I remember growling and wanting to snap on everyone that told me," STOP! Care for yourself! "

My mind growled, "How can you ask me this when my daughter is sick, walking a dangerous line, and no one but me will step in to save her." This the point where your life comes crashing down. When you realize you are powerless to stop tragic events from happening. The point when every door you knocked at was slammed in your face.

I've been that Mutt, to mutter to a friend," You did the best you could. It wasn't your fault. You have to let your children experience life and make choices. We can't control events that are out of our hands." ---- What a load of smelly pooh. I feel so ashamed that this Mutt, believed those words could comfort and appease the heart of a grieving parent.

This Canadian Mutt, now understand what it feels like to be asked to accept failure: Failure of laws, systems,

and dis-function of society. I've arrived at the fork in the road. I tired all the roads, now where do I go?

Fork #1 I can no longer fight this battle without, serious mental and health fail out for myself

#2 I have to accept the changes (laws and polices) I desperately need and want for my daughter, won't happen to save her.

# 3 This is the hardest for me to accept. That people with the mental health profession will not stand up and support you-- even if they agree with you. Why? Because people are fearful of losing their job, or they are fearful to take a stand that others feel is the wrong stand.

I ask all you Canadians. Could you could stand at this fork? Knowing that all roads have met you in failure. Could you accept you are powerless to help a suffering sick child?